For my first post in 2015, I must lament an upcoming one-year anniversary that will fall on February 3, and wish there was some positive change coming soon to change my miserable circumstances. But perhaps I should elaborate further in case anyone reading this wonders what the blazes I'm talking about.
One year ago, I was facing an all-encompassing financial and lifetime crisis. My only car had broken down (aging water pump and near catastrophe of not adding anti-freeze to a car in need of it then), I was unable to reach my job 20 miles from where I lived then (no public transportation option being available during the weekday night shifts and weekend shifts I was scheduled) and was falling further behind in my rent (soon to face eviction) partly due to cancelled shifts at my job. I was also without the Internet and had been for about seven months at that point, leaving me even more disconnected from the world than I had been lacking cable TV. My life was clearly headed straight for the crapper.
Then seeming divine intervention arrived in an unexpected job offer from my therapy office's case manager (no names will be used in any part of this post to protect the innocent and guilty alike - and bad will libel suits can be a bitch), managing an assisted living house he and his wife were starting in 2014. Despite my lack of managerial experience, I had LITTLE TO NO CHOICE but to accept the job - meaning it was either that or eventual homelessness and personal bankruptcy. I felt forced by my circumstances into taking the position and still feel trapped within this current situation. I have been unable to save any money from the job ($100 per week plus free room and board) due to various expenses. I have been unable to pay past debts from 2012-2014 totaling a few thousand dollars to date. I have had to cope with certain past and present clients at the house leaving me cold about ever doing such a job again, and being treated like crap by some of the ruder ones who act as though they don't have to follow any rules in life. I'm so tired of my life as it is, I often fantasize about finding some method of time travel to retreat into the past and actively attempt changing certain events for rewriting my current present more to my personal liking. Knowing that is impossible in this harsh real world, I then despair of living into a future I probably won't want or even wish I had never been born in the first place.
So, here I am in similar circumstances to a year earlier. I hate my job, cannot realize any career that once seemed like a calling from God I would want, have too little money and no means to pay or settle old debts, hang by a tenuous thread from oblivion and feel trapped within a life I no longer wish to live. Perhaps I will eventually have to take the drastic step of self-termination that seemed almost a real alternative when facing other dire turning points in life (only to have God's divine hand provide me some means of continued survival). I should be glad and grateful for still being relatively healthy (apart from Diabetes and possibly having Asperger's Syndrome) and not too old yet, but I cannot be as a perfectionist whose goals in life have not been and will never be met in my current situation. My writing career is impeded by a job taking up too much of my time, even on so-called days off from it twice weekly. I once flourished in writing output during a period when I was on unemployment, even if unable to ever make a living from writing, and I would like such an output again.
All I can say is although God has kept me from disaster before, I am not happy with the means by which He has done it. It would've been far preferable to die when a child or at some other younger phase of my life, so I wouldn't have missed out on certain fundamental human experiences others take for granted because they are not burdened by this high-functioning autism making me incapable of forming social connections or friendship networks. Somehow this nightmare of a life must change (my own efforts have consistently failed, so God's divine hand is required if He ever intends for me to serve him in some unique calling) for the better or come to an end before I face yet another birthday lacking any sense of fulfillment. I'm tired of living and tired of waiting for whatever it is my Creator has in mind for my life here.
Let this burden end - one way or the other.
One year ago, I was facing an all-encompassing financial and lifetime crisis. My only car had broken down (aging water pump and near catastrophe of not adding anti-freeze to a car in need of it then), I was unable to reach my job 20 miles from where I lived then (no public transportation option being available during the weekday night shifts and weekend shifts I was scheduled) and was falling further behind in my rent (soon to face eviction) partly due to cancelled shifts at my job. I was also without the Internet and had been for about seven months at that point, leaving me even more disconnected from the world than I had been lacking cable TV. My life was clearly headed straight for the crapper.
Then seeming divine intervention arrived in an unexpected job offer from my therapy office's case manager (no names will be used in any part of this post to protect the innocent and guilty alike - and bad will libel suits can be a bitch), managing an assisted living house he and his wife were starting in 2014. Despite my lack of managerial experience, I had LITTLE TO NO CHOICE but to accept the job - meaning it was either that or eventual homelessness and personal bankruptcy. I felt forced by my circumstances into taking the position and still feel trapped within this current situation. I have been unable to save any money from the job ($100 per week plus free room and board) due to various expenses. I have been unable to pay past debts from 2012-2014 totaling a few thousand dollars to date. I have had to cope with certain past and present clients at the house leaving me cold about ever doing such a job again, and being treated like crap by some of the ruder ones who act as though they don't have to follow any rules in life. I'm so tired of my life as it is, I often fantasize about finding some method of time travel to retreat into the past and actively attempt changing certain events for rewriting my current present more to my personal liking. Knowing that is impossible in this harsh real world, I then despair of living into a future I probably won't want or even wish I had never been born in the first place.
So, here I am in similar circumstances to a year earlier. I hate my job, cannot realize any career that once seemed like a calling from God I would want, have too little money and no means to pay or settle old debts, hang by a tenuous thread from oblivion and feel trapped within a life I no longer wish to live. Perhaps I will eventually have to take the drastic step of self-termination that seemed almost a real alternative when facing other dire turning points in life (only to have God's divine hand provide me some means of continued survival). I should be glad and grateful for still being relatively healthy (apart from Diabetes and possibly having Asperger's Syndrome) and not too old yet, but I cannot be as a perfectionist whose goals in life have not been and will never be met in my current situation. My writing career is impeded by a job taking up too much of my time, even on so-called days off from it twice weekly. I once flourished in writing output during a period when I was on unemployment, even if unable to ever make a living from writing, and I would like such an output again.
All I can say is although God has kept me from disaster before, I am not happy with the means by which He has done it. It would've been far preferable to die when a child or at some other younger phase of my life, so I wouldn't have missed out on certain fundamental human experiences others take for granted because they are not burdened by this high-functioning autism making me incapable of forming social connections or friendship networks. Somehow this nightmare of a life must change (my own efforts have consistently failed, so God's divine hand is required if He ever intends for me to serve him in some unique calling) for the better or come to an end before I face yet another birthday lacking any sense of fulfillment. I'm tired of living and tired of waiting for whatever it is my Creator has in mind for my life here.
Let this burden end - one way or the other.