The main problem at the heart of my darkness can be summed up in just one word - rejection. I am battered by that unpleasant reality in everyday life from three directions on a regular basis. First, I suffer rejection in my chosen field of labor - fiction writing - as anyone else who attempts it can attest the experience is painful. But most writers would then say just forget about it (unless receiving with that rejection some constructive criticism that may prove instructional for future efforts) and move on with one's work. I cannot suffer rejection gracefully based on how my neurological makeup was put together imperfectly. I have the usual angered reaction in private to some degree - ranging from a loud outburst to quiet seething hatred for being refused whatever the reason (trivial or genuine). This is never going to change, I suspect. I have an overactive imagination I am trying to make work for me, but obviously errors in grammatical construction, typographical errors and an inability to package my words with inferior cover art (I learned thirty years ago I've no skill at visual illustration when trying to draw some cover artwork) or promote my work only serve to frustrate that vision. I also have trouble making connections with people (always have) and thus suck at what is called networking. This is another handicap toward realizing any success as a writer apparently, meaning any progress in this writing career will have to come through what is known as the rare to impossible "lucky break."
The second form of rejection comes through my current regular job - research interviewer at a local call center for Abt SRBI (a NYC-based research firm that conduct surveys for government and private sector clients by telephone). As with the last time I worked in a call center (January - November 2009), the responses from those refusing whatever it is I'm representing in that phone call can vary from cooperative to outright rude. Obviously the latter reactions only serve to further undermine my limited self-confidence as a person in general and reinforce the belief I am not a natural born salesman. I sometimes joke (semi-seriously) I couldn't sell or give away a bucket of water to someone literally on fire right in front of me as that person was being immolated to death. So, each night I call for some survey and get rude responses, I die a little bit more inside but cannot get any better job at present for various reasons (un-provable age discrimination, limited work history through much of an adult life, educational background that only offers limited opportunities in some sales or customer service field but not in the degree's area of study). The only option I have left for some sort of career I'd be good at (in my opinion) is the writing. Unfortunately I cannot convince any major publisher I have the commercial potential to entertain millions with story ideas already or not yet written.
The third form of rejection comes from the area I am most criticized about in my past complaints - pursuit of the opposite sex for romantic intentions. Now here is where the lifetime of social difficulties from potential Asperger's Syndrome comes most starkly into play. Since puberty, I've often been unable to communicate any romantic desires or intentions to any girl I was attracted to and it bugs the crap out of me despite being unable to do anything to change that problem. The first crush I ever had moved away before I could ever get the courage to ask her for a date. The second one I could never bring myself to ask being intoxicated by her beauty. The third girl I was attracted to I could not ask out and then lost her to an older boy. The fourth again I could never even hardly talk to because I was fully intimidated by her beauty. The fifth one I asked out on a date after two years of confused feelings toward her (rejecting her attempts at friendship due to that inner turmoil) and losing 50 pounds one summer to impress her - but her rejection crushed my limited self-confidence to the point I never asked anyone for a date in person ever again. I then drifted through college unable to make serious romantic connection with any woman I felt attracted to and after graduate school had practically no opportunities or a few that missed or never materialized. Trying online dating beginning in 2011, I was rejected by any woman who possessed the looks or other qualities I sought in a mate every time. Now let me explain a bit about what sort of qualities I want before you trolls assume I'm after a clone of say Marilyn Monroe. I want someone with dark hair (styled in bangs - something most women don't seem to like these days) and big bug eyes with whom I share at least one or more interests that would bring us together and connect us for a lifetime, hopefully someone rather short or tall than average and who's not heavier than me (I currently weigh between 193-196 pounds - so I'm not exactly fat as through most of my adult life and adolescence). I want someone from ages 29-40 (no one any older or younger). I also cannot marry any divorcee based on Jesus' teachings about marriage and divorce from the Bible and do not want single mothers, divorcees or widows that come with children to avoid baby daddy drama that might occur as a stepparent. I know, people are not custom made in an off-the-rack world. I'm not asking for the perfect woman, just someone who's ideal for me. But apparently according to some commentators here to have a type of preconceived woman in mind who might not even actually exist is madness and judgmental and impractical. Being stubborn, I will not compromise my principles that some find silly. Then, they usually say, you'll be alone for the rest of your life and never get married, especially because you've got nothing going on in life that would attract your soul mate anyhow. And when I react badly to each rejection from a woman by cursing the entire sex with crude expletives and reveal a lifetime of built-up deep-seeded misogyny from all the rejections since early adolescence (combined with the realization how this feminized world during my lifetime has considered all males to be the enemy and works to crush masculinity because it's been a man's world for far too long in those women's opinions) then I get criticism at places like this and am expected to sit there and take negative feedback up the rectum every time without complaint. I'm not wired that way, baby.
And so rejection is the one reality that is blocking my career ambitions, frustrating me in my job daily, and has poisoned my soul (along with some social disabilities) when it comes to having any normal heterosexual relationship in marriage. I will undoubtedly continue to behave badly when rejected every time and show a lack of grace and civility as the obvious result. If I was a famous person this behavior would be excused as eccentric or quaint - entertainment in today's brain dead celebrity-worshiping culture. Take this long meditation on the pain of rejection for what you will, dear reader. All I know is I don't accept the fact of rejection in life well and most likely never will. I'm just not a big enough person to absorb the pain, learn from it and move on to try again forgetting how much that rejection hurt in the first place.