This year I first rejoined Plenty of Fish for the third try with that service, again free like the first time (the second time in 2012 I was a paying member but it made no difference except parting me from some money). After contacting two women in February (both from KY), one in March (from Cleveland, OH) and two so far this month (one again from Cleveland and the other Princeton, WV), there have been no responses (I'm still hoping for something from the writer I wrote to in Princeton since I only contacted her today). The only interest was expressed by two women closer to or older than my own age, and I seem to recall they were both divorced or single mothers (two types I resist dating for different reasons). So the problem persists from years earlier when still a teenager - cannot have the women I want and do not want the ones showing any interest in me. I guess the only way I could ever get any woman I want even to date is if I was the famous successful author, The one problem with that scenario would be never trusting if they liked me or just being around the famous author and could not stand me as a person. Such a relationship would most likely end in losing her to some slick party boy jackass who pledged the right fraternity and majored in leisure studies at the Spring Break party reputation college, or her just divorcing me for spite and big alimony payments.
Every time I write one of these women on Plenty of Fish, they never respond to the messages. I don't know what to say that will change that in my notes.
Then about a week ago, I joined OkCupid after it was suggested to me by an old college friend, and the first contact I get is from a reasonably attractive single mother from Michigan. Again I don't want to become a stepparent and put up with any potential baby daddy drama having fell in love with some lady who already had her first choice in a man fathering children. I have yet to contact anyone there.
I expect I might get some negative feedback from any commentators who read this asking "who do I think I am" or "why should I get who I want in life" being a middle-aged natural born loser in the world's eyes. Sometimes I suspect, if I could get the writing career I've sought for almost 14 years now, instead of being stuck in dead end jobs for survival when I'll never be happy or content just trying to survive from one day to the next, maybe that would mask the loneliness that occasionally burns my soul and I could gain satisfaction in creating fictional worlds people want to read about. Of course, it appears that's not happening any sooner than finding the woman I choose to spend the rest of my life together with in this cruel world.
Maybe I should just throw in the towel on ever finding love and accept the reality I'm destined to be a loser in every way. I don't want to do that.